MAGIC TOOLS FOR MUMS & DADS

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO REASON WITH YOUR CHILD?

Have you ever been successful?

At Zen Dan Kwan School of Martial Arts we regularly write and publish articles describing tools to help parents when they're interacting with their children.

This month we're talking about two almost 'magical' tools that can help you in one of the most frustrating situations you'll be in as a parent.

These two magical tools are the words 'NEVERTHELESS' and 'REGARDLESS'.

These are tremendously valuable tools to use with children.  They are tools to prevent arguments and to resist any pleas or attempts to bargain on the child's part.

You can use these words as follows. To begin with, tell the child of the consequence of their action.  Their responses might be to say something like:

"That's not fair!" or "Why doesn't my brother have to?" or "I don't want to!" or the killer - "I hate you!"

To all of these statements of temper from the child, you can respond calmly with either

"Neverthless, it is what you're going to do," or "Regardless, this is what is going to happen."

The logic behind using these statements is as follows:

Arguing with children is one of most futile things we can ever do.  Maybe in the beginning there'll be a calm, rational discussion of issues, but once it's clear they're not getting what they want, it becomes a battle of wills!  Child vs Parent!

The argument might go as follows:

"No sweetie, you can't go to the rock concert"

"But I want to!"

"Well, you have no way of getting there"

"Maybe I can get Jimmy to drive me there, he wants to go too"
"Jimmy is only 6 years old as well, you can't go."

"Well, Jimmy can steer and I will work the pedals!"

There is no way around the logic of a six year old!  They function from a completely different level.  The only result of that argument was to teach the child that it's okay to argue with your parents.  The child is not learning the power of a logical argument.  Really what they're doing is anything they can think of to get their own way.  It's no longer about the rock concert, it's above winning, it's about the ego, and that won't give up.  Ever.

So how do these 'magical' tools help save parents?  Well the action to take would be to step back and refuse to argue the point.  To every point and argument the child brings, reply calmly and clearly with one or the other of the magic words.  This helps tune out the nagging of the child, and it also teaches the child that the parent actually means what they say.  The child will come to understand that when Mum or Dad uses one of these words, that it is the end of the discussion.

AN IMPORTANT POINT:

When a child throws the phrase "I hate you!" at their parent, we know they don't mean that they hate their parent.  They mean they're very cross at being thwarted and have nothing left to pursuade their parents than the lowest form of emotional blackmail they can think of!  In this case you should preface the magical words with the phrase "Well I love you very much, but neverthless..."

The child should clearly understand that there is nothing they can do or say which will cause their parents to stop loving them.

We hope this Parenting Tip will help your family!  These are released each month in our newsletter for all current students.

Zen Dan Kwan School of Martial Arts - Good with children.